Let's categorize my current situation as special. I am in a position where it is far easier to get a job if I have a job to begin with. That statement could easily apply to people in any number of careers but tends to be especially true in an academic setting where much of my suitability in the job market stems from having published papers and submitted proposals recently. So, after much conversation and debate, both I and my husband have agreed that, while living apart is difficult, it is the best choice for the long run. We reevaluate our decision frequently.
Last month, at a conference for work, it came up a few times in conversation that I am looking for a new position in a different city to accommodate my spouse's career. While horror was not the universal response, it was the predominant one. At one point, I was discussing my situation with another female scientist who immediately asked why I was "throwing away my career to live with my husband" with a look on her face that I will never forget. She, I was informed, had lived in a different state from her husband for years. I am sure that she was trying to be supportive. Somehow. The whole encounter made me feel awful and gave me plenty of food for thought.
Plenty of research groups, advocacy groups, and individuals are busily trying to assess why women are getting PhD's at the same rate as men (in many, though certainly not all, fields) but there are still far fewer female faculty than there are male faculty. It is certainly a complex issue and I have no intention to even try to fully address it here. However, the attitude that the female scientist embodied, that I have been faced with more times than I have bothered to count, probably doesn't help. I would like to believe that she thought she was encouraging me, a young scientist, to pursue my own career. Her attitude though was dismissive of my relationship, my spouse, and my feelings. It did more to discourage me than it did to encourage me. Her immediate, uninformed, assumption that both I and my husband value his career more highly than mine (we don't) was infuriating and embarrassing.
There is a flip side to this coin (story) though. Last week, I was sent a series of emails from a well meaning friend asking why I hadn't just quit my job yet so that I could go live with my husband. I was informed that it would be the better decision for us regardless of what I or my husband thought. They were, again, probably well meant. I struggled to not reply sarcastically or in anger. I was, in fact, somewhat boggled as to how to reply. It took me a whole 24 hours. While it was the most aggressive instance of this I have encountered, it was far from the first.
I remain thankful for all of our friends who understand that we are currently doing our best in a less than ideal situation. I am especially thankful that most of my actual colleagues understand that I'd like to have a good, challenging job and also be able to live with my spouse. I am always open to talking with people about their opinions and, especially, their similar experiences. My family's decisions might not be someone else's though and that's okay.
